Geneva Alaire

What’s a moment in your life that made you feel truly alive?

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This is a bit of a journal entry as I am trying to get the writing to flow again. Enjoy~

There was a time– a few years ago at this point– That I was going through a serious existential event. I wasn’t taking care of myself or setting social boundaries, I pushed myself too hard and I broke. The foundation that I built under my feet came crumbling down around me. I passed out at work from stress, had to take time off to figure out what was wrong with me. I was unmoored, and far from any visible shore. 

Climbing out of that darkness was one of the hardest things I’ve done for myself. I wouldn’t wish what I went through on anyone and I know so many go through so much worse. People rag on Nesta from ACOTAR but I find that she is one of the most relatable characters in modern fantasy. Well, ok, her and Manon (Throne Of Glass). Both are characters that have to face serious character weakness and flaws, and have to actively choose to work through their issues and heal themselves. Anyways, it’s not easy, and if you know what I mean I am so sorry and wish I could give you a huge hug. 

All of this to say, healing from this really dark time was when I felt the most alive.

I felt everything in high definition. For instance I’ve always loved life and found beauty in the small things– The smell of lilac bushes in the spring, and the geese honking their goodbyes over head as they head south for the winter– but this was different. I was so grateful to feel myself again that I took time from my busy and stressful life to really be present. I noticed so much that I had been missing. I found friends and community through school, I saw a councilor, I did things that scare me and make me proud of the person I am. I confronted things that I had been repressing for too many years. 

I found my purpose and my answers to my existential crisis through love and kinship. Though nature. Through yoga and Pilates. Through my wonderful family that was there for me through it all. 

It was a blip in my life but I will never forget how scary it was to be so lost to the darkness and how totally alive and grateful I felt when I came back to seeing the light. 

Thanks for reading. Have you had any experiences like mine? Let me know in the comments if you are comfortable voicing them. What makes you feel alive? 

Hugs to all. 

G.A.